Marriage is an institution where two individuals legally accept one another as a partner for life. The acceptance in itself does not guarantee the success of a relationship. A certain degree of mutual understanding, cooperation, trust, respect and above all, an immeasurable amount of unconditional love are essential in order to maximize the durability of the bond between the two.
When there is an imbalance in any of the above mentioned qualities, it results in an undesirable hindrance that can rock the marriage boat. Left unsolved, such incidents can gradually lead to an irreparable damage.
Many believe that marriages are made in heaven. But they fail to realise that what is made in heaven cannot be defective and short-lived. It is disheartening to know that an increasing number of happy weddings are ending in very unhappy divorces with court cases and bitter custody battles.
Importance of Understanding
It is quite natural that problems arise between two individuals, especially if the two have been brought up in entirely different circumstances. But the way those problems are dealt with is what makes all the difference. One has to understand that marriage is not meant to be a union where each individual looks to satisfy one’s own needs. It is a commitment two people make to each other to also care for the other’s needs. Failure in realizing this aspect of marriage leads to misunderstandings and disputes.
Exaggeration of minor issues
One common mistake that happens between married couple, that has the ability to gradually grow like a tumour and destroy the marriage, is blowing up minor issues into major pressure situations. Each one thinks their position or point of argument is right and so they try and impose it on the other. They expect an unconditional acceptance and when that does not happen, ego comes in and takes over the situation. That is when the situation turns from a trivial issue to a major ego clash. The issue then becomes only an excuse.
Such flare ups are results of letting small personal wounds go unattended or unhealed. These hurt feelings slowly accumulate and leads to the resentment of the partner. At that level even a small issue is pounced upon to settle scores. Couples need to be aware of this tendency and keep themselves from blowing trivial issues out of proportion.
Divorce not the first resort
Unlike in the past when fighting couples did not immediately think of separating, these days with change in social perceptions and greater freedom for women, couples tend to think of separation very early in marriage. More so in urban areas where there is more to life than just work, eat and sleep and competition is high both professionally and socially.
In years gone by men were concerned about social taboos and women were concerned about livelihood, post-divorce. But with the social mindset changes and the increasing career options for women, deciding for a divorce has become much easier.
Couples should realise that a lot more than social acceptance and career options are at stake in a divorce. Marriage is not only about the lives and issues of two individuals – there are innocent children involved, expectant parents involved and also other loved ones who would be greatly affected by a marriage ending in divorce.
The Calm Balm
Being able to remain patient and calm is the key. Avoid speaking when in anger as that would only fuel more discord and resentment. Deeds and words once done cannot be undone. So couples need to be careful with what they say and do. Try not to settle an issue when the pressure is high. It is also not necessary to pick on every trivial issue. It is ok to let some go by if that can buy you peace and stability in marriage.
Apply the calm balm whenever the situation threatens to burst. Keep egos and anger in check. Look at the wider picture and the greater stakes at hand. It is always better to lose a battle to win a war and it is always wise to be more tolerant than insolent.